Eternal Vomit of an Emotional Eaters Mind...

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Eternal Vomit of an Emotional Eaters Mind...or something like that.


Turns out I am an emotional eater.  Yup, you read it hear on this very Monkey blog about how diets are for dum dums, it's all about lifestyle etc.


I believe it, but still, I am an emotional eater.  It doesn't happen often, because it's mildly inconvenient to overeat when you have a hiatal hernia (thanks pregnancy!), but still, sneaky little bastard can sneak up on me at the strangest times.


Exhibit A.  A few weeks back when I was at my annual physical - same appointment we discovered I've got vampire tendencies and have a major vitamin D deficiency (despite my living at the beach), and proceeded to add generic vitamin C supplements which only let me to puke because they were generic and chalky tablets and not caplets - anyway, at that same appointment, my doctor told me, at the very end and so very nonchalantly, "You have a two centimeter growth on your thyroid."  


WHAT?  I went in there worried about cholesterol or a lecture over the 6 lbs I gained over the holidays, or the wine habit I have (and won't give up unless pregnant).


Jaw on the floor, seriously, you can't be serious.  UGH!  So, this week - today actually - I had to go in and get the growth biopsied.  They assured me that these nodules on ones thyroid are quite common and nearly never cancerous, and even when they are cancerous that "it's the kind you would want because it's easy to get rid of."  Ok.


In the scheme of life, NOT a big deal.  I feel confident the results will be fine, though the subconscious tends to fret.  The whole thing - procedure - potential for bad results and so on does and did tend to breed a bit of anxiety in me this week.  I was all prepared to take my Xanax, get the needles jammed into my neck and samples pulled out, take myself out for a fat Chardonnay to celebrate it being OVER.  


HOWEVER the anxiety leading up to my Wednesdsy needle probing biopsy got distracted by a very sick very flu ridden little angel baby.  Yesterday the puke fest began.  Tried to give baby some Tylenol for a mild fever and teething, and out. it. came.  The projectile vomit to end all projectiles.  It kept coming, we were both covered in barf, the books, the play room, the giant bean bag, all of it.  Conveniently husband was upstairs, I was trying to "calmly yell" that "honey I need your help" because this was a mess for two adults not just one, but he didn't hear me.  


God only knows what happened in those next few minutes but finally husband showed up, and thank the Lord he is a great cleaner, so he got to cleaning and scrubbing. 


The rest of the night alternated between illogical demands from a 21 month old, crying, moaning, screaming, puking, until we finally laid her down and PRAYED she could make it through the night.


I then had no time to stress about the biopsy or the needle probe because I was way too worried about Tyler and her health.


Spent the morning with the baby, now anxious about her health, her lack of appetite, waiting for the next round of hurl, trying to read up on keeping her hydrated, but deep down the lingering angst of getting my neck needled up for a good ole' biopsy.  


After a morning of massive tantrums non stop and inconsolable - finally husband put baby to bed (nap) and off we went for my procedure leaving our petrified babysitter to fend for herself hoping upon hopes Tyler would sleep while we were out.


After the doctor biopsied the node, I decided that since the baby was still asleep and the sitter still at home, we should most definitely stop for a snack and glass of "thank God that is over" wine.  We ended up at  Brew Co (in Manhattan Beach) and shared the Chicken Strips and Curly Fries.  Not my average weekday order mind you, but in the naughty part of my mind, I had "earned it".  So we shared, finished and it was time to go.  


But, I did not want to go home .... I was not yet ready to be thrown up on again, or listen to our poor baby cry and scream and bark orders for another several hours, I was sore on my neck, and generally WIPED from all of it.  So, this is when I slipped.  I looked at my husband and said "I'm still hungry."  "No you are not" he said.  "Yes, Yes, I think we need one more order."  He shook his head and said we didn't have time.  But, I hunted down that waiter like a cheetah stalks its prey and I made sure he hopped to it, I "needed" more chicken fingers and curly fries.  "Needed." and one more glass of wine, k, thanks.


We finished it.  The entire second basket.  Gone.  The wine too.  Husband reminded me.  "You are an emotional eater."  And I just agreed.  He's right.  The only thing between me and emotionally eating my way into chunky-dom is that hiatal hernias don't allow for you to over eat - well - without massive discomfort.


So, back home we came, to the poor fever baby, who was just pissed, crying, and nothing would console her, nothing.  Then, with the brilliant idea of putting some Pedialite in a medicine dispenser to get some "hydration" back in her, it was the nail in the coffin.  She cried, said all done, I picked her up, and once again, I became a human vomit receptacle.  


Husband yelling "hold her over the sink!"  Yeah right dude, babies puke where they puke, and getting gacked on is part of a mommy's job.  


I have to admit.  It was actually not as stressful as I thought going to get the node biopsied because it was a little break from the crying and the vomiting.  It sounds terrible, but having a needle jammed into my neck 6 times and plunged around was a more pleasant experience.  Not because I don't love my baby girl, but because when a baby is that uncomfortable and that sick, there is so little you can do except hope and pray that it will end soon and the day will proceed quickly and lead you to a far better morning.


So my Monkey Friends, There you have it, Cat's outta the bag.


Do you have any gnarly baby vomit stories
OR dare you confess your over eating naughtiness to us here?!?!


I think I'm off Chicken Fingers for awhile, but it sure was awesome the first 4 bites.  By basket 2, not so much.


Good Day, and may yours be less vomity.


PS: LOVE YOU  HUSBAND FOR TAKING ME TO THE DOCTOR AND HELPING ME WITH HANDFUL O BAMBINO LOVE YOU!


conquerthemonkey@hotmail.com


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Chris Brown & The Domestic Violence Issue

Chris Brown & The Domestic Violence Issue

When I watched Chris Brown perform TWICE at the Grammys and receive a Grammy I was immediately turned off and disgusted.  The fact that he was given so much air time hit me hard.  While it disgusted me, it also opens the door to discuss a topic that should never remain in the shadows as so many many families suffer this issue.

Domestic Violence is an issue I am familiar with by way of my profession (attorney and advocate) and volunteer work I have done, though I have fortunately not been on the receiving end of physical violence myself.  

First Question:
Should Chris Brown - or anyone who has committed domestic violence - be forgiven AND given a second chance?

I am a person who is in the business of forgiveness.  Not for the sake of others but for the sake of my own sanity and peace.  I can forgive most things that a person does in life.  Most things.  But, there are a few kinds of evil acts - those against women, children and animals - that I do not find forgiveness for and I will explain more on that below.  

That said, I do understand why some argue he has been redeemed, repented, paid his price via community service etc and should be forgiven and given a second chance.  A second chance is one thing, but it is a very large leap to go from the public "forgiving" him, and producers working with him on his music, and quite another for the Grammys to give Brown SO MUCH air time, and accolades in front of the world such a short time after he beat the hell out of Rihanna in 2009.  

What type of message does that send?  I have heard reports on the news of young girls tweeting absurd and disturbing things after watching his performance saying "chris brown is so hot he can punch me," and so on.  I would argue that while Chris Brown very meekly and weakly attempted to publicly repent and redeem himself (though his behavior has been mostly defiant and abhorrent like storming off of interviews when he is asked about hitting Rihanna), that the public and most especially the GRAMMYS should have waited much longer (IF EVER) before putting him up on a pedestal.  

It sends very mixed signals to the world because the truth is he IS a public face of domestic violence which represents in the celebrity world what is going on in so many homes across the globe - rich and poor alike.  

Monkey's take is: Dear Grammys, I lost a lot of respect for you for giving Brown so much air time and accolades and think you should send a stronger message to the world and to women and victims alike that just because someone has TALENT does not give that person license to cause physical harm to others.

Further evidence that Brown has not truly repented is his tweet to the "haters" on him that winning a grammy is the "ultimate fu*& you".  Sounds like the same a&**hole that punched Rihanna in the face on at least one but reportedly MANY occasions.  

Second question:

 Is an "Abuser" ever able to actually "stop" abusing people?  Is it possible that someone who has abused a woman or child (or man) will NEVER do that again?  

The major reason that I don't find forgiveness for abusers is that I do not believe that someone who is an abuser will EVER be rehabilitated from it (I believe the same about sex offenders).  

In the Brown case, WHAT did he do that makes anyone really think that he is not capable of and / or likely to beat up a woman again?  The fact that he has been so smug against people who question him and WHAT HE DID tells me that he does not take responsibility for what he did - instead is just angry he was caught and judged, that he is a narcissist and truly believes he is above the law and on a pedestal that licences him to do as he pleases to "his woman."

"A Tiger never changes his stripes."  That is what my dad said to me about a former lying cheating boyfriend when I was very young and it stuck with me.  A tiger never changes his stripes.

We are born with - and environmentally cultivated to - have certain types of "character" as human beings.  Rage, narcissism and violence are not bad habits like eating candy.  They are a part of the character of the abuser.  Brown is an abuser, the entire World has seen his handy work, and I see no reason that he will not make headlines again one day for beating the hell out of - or worse - another woman.  

Men and women who have engaged in abuse ARE abusers.  It is a label of character it is not a passing fad or moment in time that can ever be undone.  If you have anger, rage and lack of self control such that you will beat someone down, that anger can possibly be suppressed or controlled for certain times, but that anger will always live in the belly of that beast. That anger will always find a way to emerge because life is not always in our control, we do not have the ability to know when rage will seep into an abusers veins.  

Brown is a celebrity, a performer, and with that in our society and others, it gives him a golden ticket, a free pass, a special type of rainbow and unicorn justice.  

Unfortunately, abuse goes on all the time, right under our noses, with friends and family alike and in every neighborhood in this country.  It is very common.  It has become increasingly so with the economy suffering greatly since 2008.  Anyone who dates Brown goes in eyes wide open.  This is not a dark and dirty secret for him any longer, he is a face of domestic violence.  But so many families - normal people - do hide and suppress this issue.  It is a challenging thing to understand - if you know a victim of abuse - why they go back to their abuser, a more complicated topic that this blog will engage in another post.  

But, if you  know someone - children, woman or man who is in an abusive relationship I am an advocate of doing something, encouraging them to get help, giving them information about shelters, calling the police and so on.  

As a society, I think the law is not hard enough on abusers.  Too often abuse goes on and escalates and turns into something far more grim and terrible.   How many news reports of women and children going missing or being killed do we have to hear before we realize - it all started somewhere.  There was an escalation period.  It ramped up over time.  There were red flags.  

We need to educate our children about this topic because we certainly can not count on television and media - and often even the law - to hold abusers accountable.  We need to tell our daughters who may admire the "performance" of Chris Brown what he did, what it means, what the warning signs are, how to avoid relationships like that and so on.

If you or anyone you know is being abused CALL THE National Domestic Violence Hotline

1-800-799-SAFE

MONKEY READERS:

1.  Do you think Chris Brown should have been invited to perform at the Grammys?

2.  Do you think an abuser can ever change their ways??

You  might like these other Monkey Musings
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Related articles

• Chris Brown, Grammys 2012: Embattled Singer Slams Critics (theboombox.com)
• Miranda Lambert Blasts Chris Brown (As Senators Stall On Domestic Violence Act) - BlissTree (blisstree.com)
• Chris Brown The 'WomanBeater' Seems to Entice Young Fans (celebs.gather.com)
• Chris Brown Fans Would Gladly Take A Beating In Exchange For A Kiss (inquisitr.com)
• Chris Brown's Grammys Comeback: This Is How Men Get Away With Domestic Violence (blisstree.com)
• After the Grammys, Chris Brown Tells Haters: 'F**k Off!' But Should They? (clutchmagonline.com)

Quote for the day, Maya Angelou - How You Make People Feel.

Maya Angelou (Image via RottenTomatoes.com)

Quote for the day...Maya Angelou

This quote rings so true.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

 - Maya Angelou

Think about the people you meet on random occasion, and how there is a spark, you don't know what it is about them, but something you will not forget.  You might even forget their name, but when you see them again, there is that instant gratifying feeling, feeling of like or admiration, feeling of joy or great expectation.  I have friends like this - I'm sure we all do - people we run into on occasion that we might technically consider "acquaintances" but for whatever reason, it is something more, an underlying foundation for the friendship or relationship came naturally and it is effortless.  All or largely because of the way they made us "feel" when we met them. 

I think back on the times of my life when I am proud of how I have treated others (and hopefully made them feel good)....and others where I am disappointed (because I probably made them feel bad/hurt/angry).


As we get older especially (because our priorities shift, family to care for etc.) we can not live our lives to please others, but we can live to respect others, whatever their walk of life may be.  It could be a small act of kindness, or something more, something deeper, but an ounce of respect to another human being - well it might mean little to you - but so much to them.

Just thought this quote was one that everyone could relate to - on a grand or small scale - it resonates and makes sense.  We all have been on the receiving end of a person who makes us feel "good" "special" and others who have made us feel "bad" "small" or "disrespected."  For me, a little reflection on the sentiment behind this quote is a nice reminder of how to treat others throughout the day.

Food for thought Monkey Friends!


Do you have friends in your life where you instantly clicked because of how they made you feel? The energy they gave off?


Have you been on the receiving end of someone making you feel bad and when you see them again it conjures up those bad feelings?


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A Kiss is Not a Contract - Happy Valentines!

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A Kiss is Not a Contract - Happy Valentines!


Monkey Readers, in the famous (at least in this household) lyrics from "Flight of the Conchords" 


"A Kiss is not a contract, but it's very nice, very very nice....." 


Happy Valentine's Day to YOU ALL - and for all those Single Monkey Readers out there, I say this Valentines Day you embrace the Hallmark Holiday and go out there and find yourself another hot single Monkey and Kiss them like it's New Years Eve.


Because remember - a kiss is not a contract but it's very nice!!!


My Valentines is going to be spending a very sexy morning at our very very flu - multiple types of flu - ridden baby girl to the doctor.  YES!  Tonight I anticipate copious amounts of wine in an attempt to recovery sanity from a crazy sick baby week.  And, for those parents out there, I KNOW you know what I"m saying when I point out that it is really super duper hard to get the smell of toddler vomit out of your hair after a week's worth of vomit saturation.  TMI, TMI, perhaps, but those who have been there - know EXACTLY what I mean!


Married and single Monkeys alike, I do hope whatever you do this Valentines Day you ENJOY!


I'll be back with more substance soon as I can get baby girl back to health.


In the meantime, I encourage you to click the links above, that song is hilarious, and if you watched the show, it will make you giggle even more.  Giggles are good for the soul, no?


SOON TO COME, Part II of Mating Habits of Crazy Skinny (desperate) Girls - My Bachelor Viewing Club!

Taylor Swift, Adele, Tragedy of Whitney Houston - Grammys

Taylor Swift, Adele, Whitney Houston - The Grammys


Happy Monday, Monkey Readers.  I hope that you enjoyed your weekends and that they were fun, health filled and drama free....


Did you watch the Grammys last night?


Just wanted to say how much I personally LOVE Adele and think she deserved her many accolades.  What a truly magical and unique voice.  And same for Taylor Swift - I love her...


I love both partly because they are huge talents, but also because I feel like they are two of only a few "celebrity" women who can be seen as role models for young girls.  Having a daughter now, I think a lot about the idea of positive role models these days - especially with the early exposure kids get to adult things due to modern media.  Who would I want my daughter listening to (once the Wiggles and Fresh Beat Band become a bore for her)?  Who would make a good role model?


Also, I love that Adele doesn't bother with all of the gimmicks a la lady gaga (who's music I do think is fun), and that she is a curvier girl.  It gets so old and is so cliche when world females start to look alike, get the same undernourished bodies, nose jobs etc.  So boring, so unimaginative, so terrible for young girls looking up to them.


I saw the interview Adele did with Anderson Cooper prior to the show and she "seems" committed to staying true to herself and not conforming (despite recent nasty comments about her weight by certain fashion designers).


Obviously worth noting the terrible tragedy of the death of Whitney Houston.  Her voice was probably one of the best that was and ever will be.  It is so very sad that she was not able to shake the demons that haunted her but we will always have that voice....

Just wondering, what did you think of the show

And also, what do you think about Adele and Taylor Swift as being positive role models?  

The Haters. Turning Bad Mojo into Success.

The Haters.
Turning Bad Mojo into Success


(a formerly popular post for our Newest Monkey readers)

Today I was talking with a friend who has recently started her own business. (You know how I love me some entrepreneur!) I asked her how biz was going, and she told me that she'd recently received some seemingly unwarranted negative feedback. She was really agonizing over it. The "haters" did not give here "constructive critique" but were instead just rude and dismissive.

This caused her to start doubting her business. (one that I think is fabulous, and will be featuring on this blog soon!) Immediately my blood boiled.

It is an inevitable fact of life that anyone trying to accomplish something that someone else deems outside the norm will face this type of person ... the haters, the doubters, the ones who would never dream of marching to their own drummer.

I've bumped up against these type of people all of my life, dating back to when I was a little girl playing on an all boys basketball team (since at that time, the YMCA only had boys teams), then in junior high and high school when I ran for student government, through law school when I worked on drafting new state legislation as a student, to when I switched from being a lawyer to a designer, and so on.

The world is full of people who completely freak out at the idea of anything outside of their cushy little world. They can't stand people who push the envelope, or think differently, even if it isn't hurting anybody. They will try to convince you that you will fail. That it can't be done.

To the haters I say, thank you. That's right, thank you. Because for all of the haters who have doubted me, or any one else who has tried to do something a little different, instead of taking me down, you only make me more determined.

I reassured my friend that the haters could neither make or break her business. That the haters are an inevitable part of the entrepreneurial territory - a right of passage. Get fuel from them, show them that you CAN make it without them, and then smile all the way to the bank while they talk their smack.

Whether your dream is to be an actor, a writer, a doctor, a lawyer, a teacher, an athlete, a banker, a designer and inventor or a stay at home mom ----- Never, ever let somebody convince you it can't or shouldn't be done. And if they do, look at them with suspicion - do they envy you because they would never have the guts to do it? Do they fear you because you have confidence to follow your own path? Are they someone you want to emulate in the first place? Probably not.

Those who truly believe in themselves and their goals and who can block out the negative outside influences ... Those who are tenacious, and have a plan and the sheer will to make it happen, they will find success. Maybe not immediately, and maybe not in the exact form they anticipated or dreamed, but they will find it.

Monkey Readers - I ask you this:
What is your dream? Who has tried to burst it? How did you Respond?

Comment here by clicking on the title of this post, and scrolling down to "post comment"

And, as always EMAIL ME YOUR VEXING DILEMMAS!
Conquerthemonkey@hotmail.com

Tight Jeans, Needles & Jim Beam

Image via Wikipedia

Tight Jeans, Needles and Jim Beam.

(For our Newest Monkey Subscribers, this is a formerly posted popular post, thought a good laugh could be used by all on a Friday)

 
It was the Fall of 1991.  Acid Wash jeans still had a place in society, Madonna was still getting her whore on, and grunge was some how considered cute. 

I was a Freshman and had just joined a sorority.  There were many parties to be had, and on a particular warm desert night, there was a full moon in more ways than one. 

I was at a "Westerner" party decked out in my best Western Wares.  All of my "sisters" were there dancing away with their cute dates having the time of their life under the stars.

I waited in line at the outhouse so I could make space for another beer, but naturally, the line for only one bathroom was 10 people deep.

Being a gritty girl who'd grown up in the boonies, I decided there would be no harm in finding my way behind a large catcus, squatting down and making nature my very own ladies room.

I peeled down my skin tight jeans under the soft romantic light of the moon and did what I came to do.

Suddenly mid way through my business I realized I was losing my balance.  My tight jeans tightly wrapped around my ankles, my feet facing the wrong way on the little hill I had perched on, and the few beers I'd swigged back at the pre party causing my equilibrium to see double.

One thing led to another.......and next thing I knew, I fell backward.  Right onto a short, stubbly cactus with a million tiny painful needles.

An architect couldn't have lined my bare butt up more perfectly with this cactus.  It was as though this cactus had waited its entire dry life for my ass to nestle onto it.  I finally found my way back to standing, and there I was bare assed under the light of the moon with THOUSANDS of needles in my ass.

It hurt.  It hurt really really bad.  I now realized I had a horrific decision to make.  Either pull up my skin tight jeans over my bare ass only to force the needles further into my skin,  OR walk bare assed to the bus that was waiting to take all the drunk frat rats and my sorority sisters back to town. 

In hindsight, I don't think there was a winning decision in the bunch.  I was, after all, only a freshmen and the humiliation of walking bare assed with a thousand needles sticking out to the bus for all the boys to see - well - that was too much for me at age 17.

So, as I stood in contemplation, whimpering a little because it hurt badly, a nice frat boy walked by and asked me what was wrong.  I simply angled myself so he could see in the moonlight what the situation was.  I told him I needed help.

He took a quick glance and basically said, "Oh dude, you are f&*%ed" and handed me a bottle of Jim Beam.  He offered to find my date, but I hadn't seen him in what seemed like hours.  Someone, maybe even that same nice guy, went and found a couple of my "sisters" and told them what happened, but they couldn't be bothered to leave their cute dates to come help.  Can't really blame them I guess.

So, I pulled up my pants, staggered and gingerly made my way back to the bus and faced an even more horrific decision.  If I sat down, the needles would go even DEEPER than they already were and God knows if they'd ever come out or if I'd be a porcupine ass forever.

Since there were hours to go in the party, and we were MILES from town, I wedged myself into a seat as best I could and just waited.  Me and the bus driver.  It was the longest night of my life.

I finally and miraculously got back to the dorm and was starting to feel incredibly sick from the pain and the needles.  I laid on the cool tiles of the shower and let the water pour over me for a really long time.  I finally dragged myself back to my room in excrutiating pain.  A few hours later I told my dorm mates what had happened and - having grown up in the desert - they were horrified I hadn't gone to the emergency room.

So, they dragged me to the ER and we waited for hours. 

Finally I go back to be examined by a cute young doctor, which was even more humiliating.  I showed him my ass and  - what had to be millions of needles. He was amazed at how many there were and how deeply embedded.  (I did not explain the extra tight jeans or the bus ride to him).

He left the room and I prayed he'd bring back a miracle remedy.  Instead he came back with a GIANT vat of Elmers Glue.  He proceeded to pour the glue all over my bum and explained it's the only way to get the needles out of your body.

You pour on the glue, you let it dry, you peel it off, and slowly the little needles will come out.  You have to do this many. Many.  Many. Many times before that many needles would come out.

So, he sent me home with my dorm mates.  We stopped off to by several tubes of Elmers and spent the entire day with me lying on the floor and them gluing and stripping my ass for needles. 

The moral of the story here? Never mistake a cactus for a bush.


MONKEYS READERS???
You ever find yourself on the losing end of a drinking bender OR a cactus??