I was trying to remember what it felt like to have such deep loss starting at such a young age, 13. What would I do to teach my daughter about loss when she gets older? I remember going to my friend's funeral when I was in 8th grade and I don't believe my parents were there, if they were, I don't recall it. I remember not knowing what I was supposed to feel. We all knew she was not going to make it. I remember crying as hard as I could - truly hysterical - once I got home from the funeral and into the shower so nobody could hear me. I missed my friend and I didn't understand why that happened or where she went. I even remember wishing it were me that had died, though I'm not sure why I thought that or if it's even logical.
I remember on the night of our senior prom when we found out our friend Tom had shot himself that day and he was supposed to be our friend's date and at our pre prom dinner at my best friend's house.
When I look back, I remember being so confused. Nobody really talked to us as kids about how to feel, what had happened. Or if they did, I don't recall it, and it didn't sink in.
Over the years losing other friends, tragedy of car accidents, 9/11, cancer. I still have a hard time believing they are gone. I - illogically-think I will run into them at the gym, the market, anywhere. In my mind I still recall them so vividly.
This is a really depressing post, I know. And I'm not depressed as I write it, rather am listening to my 20 month old sing happy birthday to her Hello Kitty doll in her crib. I know that life is precious and it's too short. It was far too short for the friends I mentioned above, and others too that I didn't list.
I just want to personally try to remember to savor every single second I have of this truly blessed life. After a seemingly stressful week, I reflect on all of the above, I listen to Tyler singing, and I realize this week was nothing. It was a blip. It was a blessing.
I'm still here able to enjoy my baby, my pets, my husband, my family, my friends, my beautiful home and this beautiful city.
May all of you find a way this day and this weekend to savor the little blessings in your life that make your life so truly truly rich.
Have a good weekend,
Cameron
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4 comments:
I think about Tom...a lot. Much more than you would think for something that happened over 20 years ago. I'm tearing up a little thinking about it now. And when I tell people, on occasion, what happened (one night we swapped dumb prom stories at a girls' night...man was mine a downer), they are dumbfounded, and jaw-droppingly so. What a waste of promise, of potential; think of all the things he missed, doing something that he very well may have talked himself out of if he'd had more time- or wisdom that comes with age- to think it over.
My husband and I have very different views of how to deal with talking to our kids about these types of things. He's half Mexican, and I attribute his very superstitious side to that part of his heritage- his mom is the same way. Think or talk about death, and it will happen. I take a very 'circle of life' view of death- it is, after all, a necessary part of living. I talk to my kids about whatever comes up- we have a neighbor right now who has terminal cancer and we've had many discussions about it. We talk about how we have no control over this, but we DO have control over the way we live our lives- fully and with complete joy every single day, if we're lucky...or medicated. But it's an ideal, isn't it. Love this post, difficult to address with kids.
Jenni thanks for the comments. I woke up at 4 a.m. today thinking about what you wrote. I think about Tom too. So much tragedy in all that happened with Tom.....Hope to see you one of these days and meet your husband and kiddos too. Have a good weekend.
xxoo Cameron
Ok, I'm tearing up reading the post and then Jenni's post! I was a bit distanced from that group my senior year--far too wrapped up in my Enterprise boyfriend/prom date. But then hearing about Tom, I didn't know how to process it. As with most things, we never talked about death in my family. My first memory of my dad crying was when my grandpa died, and I was only about 4. When I try to teach my students about 9/11 on the anniversary--how I'm supposed to teach something that day--I can't just let the day pass. Or can I? Is it my own loss to grieve? It certainly doesn't resonate with my students--they were 3 years old. And when one of the teachers here lost her battle with a long illness, and I had to tell the other students, I cried. I probably wasn't supposed to, but I did, and it showed my students that it's ok to cry, it's ok to feel loss and grieve for it. Cam, I may not know who you are today, but I remember you as being incredibly thoughtful and kind. You will teach your daughter well.
Melissa thank you for your comment. I know it is a memory for all of us that still conjurs up really difficult emotions especially because we were so young, and how it all went down. I think it's ok to cry in front of your students, personally. Obviously not all the time, but at appropriate moments, it lets them know that it's totally normal and healthy and I personally think gives them permission to have emotions and know that it is "normal." I never really saw my parents cry either and it was confusing, especially when dealing with death and tragedy.
Love you girls. Been a long time, but I'm so thankful to have you here at CTM to connect.
Hoping wonderful things for you both.
Cameron
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