Chris Brown & The Domestic Violence Issue
When I watched Chris Brown perform TWICE at the Grammys and receive a Grammy I was immediately turned off and disgusted. The fact that he was given so much air time hit me hard. While it disgusted me, it also opens the door to discuss a topic that should never remain in the shadows as so many many families suffer this issue.
Domestic Violence is an issue I am familiar with by way of my profession (attorney and advocate) and volunteer work I have done, though I have fortunately not been on the receiving end of physical violence myself.
First Question:
Should Chris Brown - or anyone who has committed domestic violence - be forgiven AND given a second chance?
Should Chris Brown - or anyone who has committed domestic violence - be forgiven AND given a second chance?
I am a person who is in the business of forgiveness. Not for the sake of others but for the sake of my own sanity and peace. I can forgive most things that a person does in life. Most things. But, there are a few kinds of evil acts - those against women, children and animals - that I do not find forgiveness for and I will explain more on that below.
That said, I do understand why some argue he has been redeemed, repented, paid his price via community service etc and should be forgiven and given a second chance. A second chance is one thing, but it is a very large leap to go from the public "forgiving" him, and producers working with him on his music, and quite another for the Grammys to give Brown SO MUCH air time, and accolades in front of the world such a short time after he beat the hell out of Rihanna in 2009.
What type of message does that send? I have heard reports on the news of young girls tweeting absurd and disturbing things after watching his performance saying "chris brown is so hot he can punch me," and so on. I would argue that while Chris Brown very meekly and weakly attempted to publicly repent and redeem himself (though his behavior has been mostly defiant and abhorrent like storming off of interviews when he is asked about hitting Rihanna), that the public and most especially the GRAMMYS should have waited much longer (IF EVER) before putting him up on a pedestal.
It sends very mixed signals to the world because the truth is he IS a public face of domestic violence which represents in the celebrity world what is going on in so many homes across the globe - rich and poor alike.
Monkey's take is: Dear Grammys, I lost a lot of respect for you for giving Brown so much air time and accolades and think you should send a stronger message to the world and to women and victims alike that just because someone has TALENT does not give that person license to cause physical harm to others.
Monkey's take is: Dear Grammys, I lost a lot of respect for you for giving Brown so much air time and accolades and think you should send a stronger message to the world and to women and victims alike that just because someone has TALENT does not give that person license to cause physical harm to others.
Further evidence that Brown has not truly repented is his tweet to the "haters" on him that winning a grammy is the "ultimate fu*& you". Sounds like the same a&**hole that punched Rihanna in the face on at least one but reportedly MANY occasions.
Second question:
Is an "Abuser" ever able to actually "stop" abusing people? Is it possible that someone who has abused a woman or child (or man) will NEVER do that again?
The major reason that I don't find forgiveness for abusers is that I do not believe that someone who is an abuser will EVER be rehabilitated from it (I believe the same about sex offenders).
In the Brown case, WHAT did he do that makes anyone really think that he is not capable of and / or likely to beat up a woman again? The fact that he has been so smug against people who question him and WHAT HE DID tells me that he does not take responsibility for what he did - instead is just angry he was caught and judged, that he is a narcissist and truly believes he is above the law and on a pedestal that licences him to do as he pleases to "his woman."
In the Brown case, WHAT did he do that makes anyone really think that he is not capable of and / or likely to beat up a woman again? The fact that he has been so smug against people who question him and WHAT HE DID tells me that he does not take responsibility for what he did - instead is just angry he was caught and judged, that he is a narcissist and truly believes he is above the law and on a pedestal that licences him to do as he pleases to "his woman."
"A Tiger never changes his stripes." That is what my dad said to me about a former lying cheating boyfriend when I was very young and it stuck with me. A tiger never changes his stripes.
We are born with - and environmentally cultivated to - have certain types of "character" as human beings. Rage, narcissism and violence are not bad habits like eating candy. They are a part of the character of the abuser. Brown is an abuser, the entire World has seen his handy work, and I see no reason that he will not make headlines again one day for beating the hell out of - or worse - another woman.
Men and women who have engaged in abuse ARE abusers. It is a label of character it is not a passing fad or moment in time that can ever be undone. If you have anger, rage and lack of self control such that you will beat someone down, that anger can possibly be suppressed or controlled for certain times, but that anger will always live in the belly of that beast. That anger will always find a way to emerge because life is not always in our control, we do not have the ability to know when rage will seep into an abusers veins.
Brown is a celebrity, a performer, and with that in our society and others, it gives him a golden ticket, a free pass, a special type of rainbow and unicorn justice.
Unfortunately, abuse goes on all the time, right under our noses, with friends and family alike and in every neighborhood in this country. It is very common. It has become increasingly so with the economy suffering greatly since 2008. Anyone who dates Brown goes in eyes wide open. This is not a dark and dirty secret for him any longer, he is a face of domestic violence. But so many families - normal people - do hide and suppress this issue. It is a challenging thing to understand - if you know a victim of abuse - why they go back to their abuser, a more complicated topic that this blog will engage in another post.
Unfortunately, abuse goes on all the time, right under our noses, with friends and family alike and in every neighborhood in this country. It is very common. It has become increasingly so with the economy suffering greatly since 2008. Anyone who dates Brown goes in eyes wide open. This is not a dark and dirty secret for him any longer, he is a face of domestic violence. But so many families - normal people - do hide and suppress this issue. It is a challenging thing to understand - if you know a victim of abuse - why they go back to their abuser, a more complicated topic that this blog will engage in another post.
But, if you know someone - children, woman or man who is in an abusive relationship I am an advocate of doing something, encouraging them to get help, giving them information about shelters, calling the police and so on.
As a society, I think the law is not hard enough on abusers. Too often abuse goes on and escalates and turns into something far more grim and terrible. How many news reports of women and children going missing or being killed do we have to hear before we realize - it all started somewhere. There was an escalation period. It ramped up over time. There were red flags.
As a society, I think the law is not hard enough on abusers. Too often abuse goes on and escalates and turns into something far more grim and terrible. How many news reports of women and children going missing or being killed do we have to hear before we realize - it all started somewhere. There was an escalation period. It ramped up over time. There were red flags.
We need to educate our children about this topic because we certainly can not count on television and media - and often even the law - to hold abusers accountable. We need to tell our daughters who may admire the "performance" of Chris Brown what he did, what it means, what the warning signs are, how to avoid relationships like that and so on.
If you or anyone you know is being abused CALL THE National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE
MONKEY READERS:
1. Do you think Chris Brown should have been invited to perform at the Grammys?
2. Do you think an abuser can ever change their ways??You might like these other Monkey Musings
The Push Gift
When Being Cheap Makes You Hurl
Repulsively Seductive Hand Massage at the Kiosk
Posts
4 comments:
i think abusers and cheaters can change. but i think its less than 5% that do. so don't put them on the grammys and dont forgive a cheater. realize the chance of them actually changing is slim and move on!!
Tara, thanks for weighing in! Even if there is a 5 % chance of change, I wouldn't buy into it unless they actually appeared to be taking steps to make changes (therapy, apologizing, etc), which C. Brown is most def. not doing. Reports coming out now that he uses as a new pick up line "can I get your number, I won't beat you up..." thinking it's funny with his bros.....I'm just saying, C.Brown isn't even on the cusp of that 5%!
A Cheater, totally diff. topic but a good one. I think abusers - sexual and physical can't change. I think some people who have cheated in the past can. To me, apples and oranges.
xoxoxo thanks for giving your input!
CW
I can't emphasize enough how true this is, having suffered a very verbally and emotionally abusive relationship in my past: "If you have anger, rage and lack of self control such that you will beat someone down, that anger can possibly be suppressed or controlled for certain times, but that anger will always live in the belly of that beast. That anger will always find a way to emerge because life is not always in our control, we do not have the ability to know when rage will seep into an abusers veins."
So true - it is at the core of the abuser's character and VERY unlikely to change.
I never knew what was going to set my ex off - it was usually something said in casual conversation. It could be something as small as disagreeing whether the sky was green or blue one day, and that was enough to set in motion at least an hour of hideous name calling and vicious personal attacks. Literally screamed in my face as I stood backed up against the wall. Oh yes, I've seen that rage up close.
After all that, I'm angrier with myself for staying in it as long as I did than at him for being that way. It is truly amazing I never did get beaten up.
Courtney,
You are so brave to share your story and it shows your true inner strength to have LEFT the situation you were in with a verbally abusive man - I don't think you should be angry with yourself for staying as long as you did. Instead, be proud of yourself for having the gut instinct and courage to leave before it escalated into anything worse than it already was. You probably saved yourself from being beaten up physically from the way it sounds. Your story can help others, so, that is also a silver lining. THANK YOU for sharing and for weighing in, that is a huge.
Cameron
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